Motherhood After Trauma

As a little girl I wanted to be a mother. I wanted ten children and I wanted to be a teacher. (At least part of that is true.) However, there was a point in time when I believed that desire was far-fetched and my past had broken me too much to allow that dream from coming to fruition. 

There was even a time when I thought, “if I get pregnant right now, I should have an abortion.” By God’s Grace that was not a part of my story. However, healing through a lifetime of trauma and rewriting lies from my youth is in my story. Replacing lies with God's word, Truth, is a grueling and intensive process and it's not over. But the Lord has grown me immensely over the years. 

Sometime in the early places of my recovery I became pregnant for the first time. The lies that lived in my heart began to creep in all over again: “you cannot do this,” “you’ll be a terrible mother,” “this will break you,” “you’re incapable,” and on and on. 

I was filled with fear, initially. I was young. I was still planning my future. I still had a lot of trauma recovery to do. But the thing that changed it all?

I had Jesus. I clung to His word. I prayed fervently. I journaled and cried and rejoiced and felt peace. 

Becoming a mother and now raising four little boys has been a difficult job (and I'm only a little ways in) but it’s worth it. Every single day, I ask God for wisdom and strength to get me through the hard days of temper tantrums, sensory meltdowns, sibling rivalry, harsh words, dirty bathrooms, discipline, and foolish behavior (there's and mine). 

But I thank God, too. 

I thank God for the special way He created each of my sons. I thank Him for allowing me the pleasure of growing alongside them. As a dark and jagged rock  hidden in a cave, God has worked vigorously to smooth my sharp edges. Motherhood has been like the coarse grit sandpaper to break down and slowly polish my heart. 

The refining might not always feel good. It’s surely not always easy. But the process thus far (and I have a long way to go) has given me hope and courage to stay the course. 

While abortion was never apart of my story the lies deeply embedded in my soul could have crippled motherhood for me. And these are the lies that drive many women onto the path toward abortion. It's rarely an instance of sexual abuse that prompts a woman to consider that path, instead, it's often a faulty belief system or past trauma. But anything and everything I do to cope with my own brokenness apart from Christ will never bring me true healing. 

Having ministered to literally hundreds of women who have been raped or endured some other sexual trauma, I can say with certainty trying to escape the effects of abuse through drugs, alcohol, overeating, self-harm, promiscuity, or even abortion NEVER offers healing for a woman. NEVER. In the moment, it feels better. You think you’ve escaped. You believe you've survived. But 2, 5, 10 years later you realize you’ve been carrying the pain all along.

Don’t wait years to get help. Don’t turn to your flesh to get help. An abortion will not give you back your purpose or your identity. If anything, day by day it strips you of that.

I don’t know your story but I do know God loves you. In the same way God loves me. In the same way, He led me out of my sin and depravity, He can lead you as well. In the same way, He saved me from lies and fear and shame, He can save you, too. Despite choices you’ve made, despite what you believe God loves you.