Equipping Against Sexual Abuse
April is sexual abuse awareness month. 1 in 4 girls will be a victim of sexual abuse before age 18, 1 in 6 boys. 12% of children will report their abuse when it happens.
Sexual abuse is ANY sexual activity, visual, verbal or physical, engaged in WITHOUT consent to exploit meet another person’s physical or emotional desires.
Consent is willing permission which is not willing if coerced using force, authority, or threat, if a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or a person has a physical or mental disability that compromises the level of understanding.
But it’s not just about statistics or definitions. This is someone’s story. Men and women alike. This was my story.
My life has been deeply impacted by sexual abuse. Because I was abused as a child and never told anyone/never received healing I carried shame and guilt with me into adulthood. This crime done to me has affected every relationship, every person I’ve come in contact with since then. My friends have been affected by the unhealthy ways I chose to cope with my pain. My husband has been affected by my victim mentality. My children have not been affected negatively, yet (THANK GOD!) because I began recovery years before they were born but had I not gone through recovery they would have been affected by my skewed view of life and the world.
Try as you might, you may NEVER prevent your child from being a victim of sexual abuse- but you train them to be on guard and arm them against the ramifications of sexual abuse.
Root your child’s identity in love. Convey the messages to your children that they are lovable, created for a purpose, given this life for a reason and that your love will never waiver.
Sexual abuse is more common in children from broken homes. DO NOT BE ALARMED! Let’s ask why? Often kids carry the mindset that they are “unwanted” or “unloved” if they have lost a parent or have been abandoned (emotionally or physically) by one.
The shift between living situations can cause feelings of loneliness or confusion of their identity.
Now, what can you do? Well, first if you are willing to prevent this that’s the best thing you can do for your child. Again, lay the foundation for your child that they are loved and wanted. You cannot speak for an absent parent but you can affirm their gifts and your love for them. Regardless of any situation setting this foundation early will help them overcome adversity.
Be TRUSTWORTHY! A perpetrator/pedophile will ‘groom’ a child by sneaking into noticeable insecurities and begin affirming them. They will earn a child’s trust by showing them affection or attention they are not receiving at home.
So, be a person your kids can talk to.Let no subject be off limits. If your child asks you a question answer it to the best of your ability and to their level of understanding. When I was pregnant with Stone by oldest son (then three) asked “how did a baby get in your belly” and my response was simple, “he grew from a seed.” This is an honest response but it gives enough information without giving too many details. My inquisitive child was not sufficed by this response and did ask how the seed got there to which I responded, “daddy put it there.” To that he was content.
If you don’t know the answer look it up together. This builds trust and it gives you the upper hand in having control over what and how much information they have.Give grace in their honesty. While punishment or consequences are absolutely necessary in most cases it’s important that when he/she comes to you in full disclosure that you keep your cool. This will motivate him/her to come to you with bigger issues because they know you won’t lose your cool .
Use anatomically correct words for your child’s body parts. It feels uncomfortable, especially if you’re out in public, but with younger children a pedophile will not use correct language but instead use words that sound fun or intriguing.
When your son or daughter begin using a different word for their parts it’ll send a red flag up in your mind to begin investigating.Guide them in how to be in control over his/her own body. Carefully and occasionally remind your child of who is allowed to help them wipe at the potty or take a bath, etc. If your child is old enough to take a bath on his/her own then tell them that no one should be helping you except mommy or daddy. Give them permission to say no when help is not wanted.
Secrets vs. Surprises: enforce that secrets are never kept from your mommy or daddy no matter what they are. A surprise is something we have to wait to tell or show but give them a deadline: “in two days we will surprise daddy with his birthday present.”
Be your child’s advocate! In the same way you’d cheer her on at a little league game or boast about his straight A’s to all your co-workers be willing to go above and beyond if he/she is hurting.
What a child decides to do with the information that he/she has been abused in the moments that follow will be pivotal. If she comes to you to tell you what has happened as hard as it will be, do not overreact but don’t under react either. Immediately, tell her that you believe her and then take steps to get help for the both of you.
Look for the signs. Even if you have established these awesome lines of communication with your kid it’s impossible to know if they will 100% tell you first so, you may need to know the signs.
stops giving or wanting hugs or good physical touch
becomes moody or depressed
begins to do worse in school
has an out of the blue anger streak
begins seeking out pornography (at a young age)
isolates
Remember, you cannot prevent or control everything. But we have a big and mighty God that can restore all evils done to us and can equip us with wisdom and knowledge for how to best raise and love our own children. All you can do is TRY.
