This pregnancy, not unlike the others, has made me hyper aware of my deepest sin struggles.
I am happy to admit that because of God’s immense grace I have come a very long way from who I was 10 years ago and even 5 years ago.
Outbursts (sin) in my anger has become fewer and further between. However, it does not make me feel any less guilt on the instances that I do slam a door or two.
Growing up I was never modeled how to display my anger in a ‘healthy’ way, so I struggle still with spewing volcanic ash all over my loved ones.
Pregnancy has armed me with loads of fun hormones as well as symptoms such as; headaches and exhaustion. Stir it all together and you have a recipe for disaster.
David Powlison, in an interview, gives a great description of unrighteous anger. To summarize: You say you’re fighting because of me, I say I’m fighting because of you. God opens our hearts and says I am fighting because of me, myself. Powlison goes on to say that “sinful anger is an expression of your playing God... You are acting as if you are lawgiver and judge”
And I have a choice, even when my mind is coated in all types of situational madness, to continue sinning despite my anger being justifiable or not or to stop. I can choose to ask for forgiveness and lately due to the position I put myself I have had to fall on my sword and apologize again and again.
Dear Child, You, too, will enter this world a sinner. You, too, will experience anger. However, I pray that I will continue to build myself up in Christ-likeness to model a behavior that repents, apologizes and even forgives. I pray that you will see me as less than perfect so you will turn to our King who is faithful and perfect in all His ways. Love, Mommy